NEWS ARCHIVE

26. Jul. 2008

PRAVDA, Crimea Edition!

On the Crimean front, our proud Soviet army continues to make the enemy rethink the meaning of the word "siege".

NAVY
Despite taking heavy losses from the mighty undersea Kraken, the Black Sea Fleet continues to successfully supply both Kerch and Sevastopol. Although Gulag inmate #4900392, formally Admiral Nikolai Gerasimovich Kuznetsov, describes the situation as "an unfortunate setback", he is nevertheless certain of the impending Soviet victory. He continues:
"If, by the grace of Stalin, I am not shot in the next 15 minutes as planned, I vow to capture the beast for our own great nation, using our mighty air forces! Za Rodinu!"
Impressed by his patriotic zeal for the glorious nation of the Proletariat, the Stavka has mercifully opted to only jail his 3 small children instead of executing his extended familly. His dog, Vodka, was not so lucky.

INDUSTRY
Deep in the bowels of Soviet industry, our factory workers continue to bemoan the redecorating efforts outsourced to the Luftwaffe, as shown below. They maintain that Soviet interior designers would have done a far better job, and have promptly gone on strike. Their union spokesperson declined to comment, saying only that the extended tea breaks and short working hours are planned to continue, as they are "the right of the Proletariat."
STAVKA reports that Gulag numbers are "growing steadily".

KERCH
Our wonderful seaside resorts in Kerch continue to remain a prime holiday spot throughout the USSR. Confused reports from tourists in uniform suggest that the brochure included information about "battle" and "fascists" but delivery has not met expectations.
Officers relaxing in their new sTeam-rooms-34 wistfully reflect: "my father once told me about German tanks, but I don't think they make them any more. Wait, have we won the war yet? Pass the vodka."

Alongside the local tourist industry, the General Aviation industry is booming. Unarmed 2-seater planes of the "UTI" variety are making a reappearance for quick flips around the area. Seasoned VVS flyers tresely comment: "nuissance."

Far to the west, a popular tourist attraction is the local madman, Rambovich Extremjekchov. Endless hours can be spent over the fire, listening to his rambling stories: "I killed them ALL!! HAHAHAHA. ALL of them! Me in a KV1, you should have seen them go, Tovarich! Line them up and pop them off! Pop, pop, pop! il2's coming in to help! HAHAHAHA! Miles and miles of dead tanks! RELOAD, do it again! HEEEEEEHEHE. What's that? My paint job is scratched? MAKE THEM PAY! KILL them ALL! oooh, the pretty pretty fires. Go boom boom nice... yeeeesss. teeheehee. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
Once awake again he will continues to beguile visitors and locals alike with more tales of his younger years, when "Germans" had reportedly roamed the area.
A local grandfather, Vasily Kapralu elaborates: "listen to him go on about the Germans. If he had his way, you'd think he's killed dozens of tanks by himself, and the il2's killed dozens more. Let me tell you, we don't even remember what a German tank looks like around here, so how can he prove it? Mad old git!"
asked about the Stuka dive bombers, described in other sectors as "really really annoying. They made me spill my vodka more times than I'd care to comment. Can we get extra rations around here?" Kapralu is puzzled. "Stukas? No never heard of them. Nor has Extremjekchov ever meantioned a 'Stuka'. Is that like a local cocktail? How do you make it, two parts vodka, one part extra vodka, with a potato wedge? Sounds damn fine, Tovarich!"

SEVASTOPOL
Despite these distractions, our forces continue to advance into the surrounding Fascist army. Our proud Soviet automobile industry, reknown throughout the world, continue their lightning advance of motorised infantry at the top speed of 1.223km/h. Only once every 15 minutes do they get lost and turn around, thanks to the accurate Soviet maps of our great nation.
Those less fortunate who are forced to walk, describe their pace as "incredibly fast, especially after my twelfth ration of Vodka".

However, a growing concern among the ground troops is the lack of enemy activity. Major Ilyanov Kapruchin tearfully explains: "all I want in life is to kill Fascists. If there are no fascists to kill, who am I?"
Our glorious Commissars, always quick to keep the morale of our ground troops at a maximum, ordered the Major to cease such idiotic activities as reflection. Philosophy and musings are the premise of the STAVKA and the handsome flyers of the VVS! Mongolians with rifles are expected to maintain a healthy Vodka economy, no more!
Kapruchin reports that, as promised, the 15th ration of vodka really does help to increase morale and lets him notice much more enemy activity.
A Serzhant complained about the increased friendly fire incidents, but was promptly shot.

Good news on all fronts! Za Rodinu!

22. Nov. 2008

The Liberation of the Korean Penninsula!

The 69th GIAP has been tasked to assist our North Korean brothers in the unification of their Sourthern brothers. Our brave YAPPERS, SHAPPERS and BAPPERS of the 69th will be given the task to destroy the enemies airforce, ground and naval assets. So far the battles have been tough. But, success has been on side of 69th GIAP. As they have destroyed several of the enemies airfields and one of their front line carriers. Moral appears to be exceptionally high for our fine fighting men and woman!

22. Nov. 2008

Order of Lenin for Serzhant VALYA

SERZHANT VALYA of the heroic 69.GIAP Squadron has been awarded the Order of The People's Commisar of Defence of The U.S.S.R. and the Order of Lenin for outstanding deeds of heroism as Flight Leader in the KIEV Campaign. SERZHANT VALYA and her group of heroic wingmen have deprived the enemy of 17 front line aircraft, with the loss of only 2 of our own fighters and none of our beloved pilots being killed or wounded.

Hero of the Soviet Union Gold Star for Serzhant MALYSH

Attention to all! It is a Pravda honor to announce that Serzhant MALYSH will received the Hero of the Soviet Union Gold Star for shooting down 10 enemy aircraft during the on going Kiev Campaign! Currently, SERZHANT MALYSH holds the 69.GIAP record for number of air kills at 14, and is said to be excited about increasing his kill count in the next mission. In a brief inteview, the heroic pilot claimed that he owes all his prowless to his Flight Leader VALYA, his Training Officer CONAN and is inspired by OZABO and STENKA, the squadrons respective KP and XO.

22. Sept. 2008

Kadets after their final basic training flights

New Serzhants!

Be it known that Tovarish Kadet MALYSH and Tovarish Kadet VANYA have successfully completed the 69th GIAP Basic Gunnery Course and are hereby awarded the GIAP Basic Gunnery Badge in the grade of FIRST CLASS!</p>
<p class="latest_bulletin_text">Additionally and with great honor, Tovarish MALYSH and Tovarish VANYA are hereby promoted, effective immediately, to Tovarish SERZHANT MALYSH and Tovarish SERZHANT VANYA. Their accomplishments reflect great credit upon themself, the 69th GIAP and the entire VVS. ZA RODINU!

17. Aug. 2008

FLASH!

British Army crosses the Rhine!

In a stunning development the British Army supported by a sky darkening effort by the RAF, have pushed the Hun from Holland and crossed the Rhine into the edge of the German homeland. At this writing, the skies have been cleared of the enemy above us here in the Netherlands but air battles continued furiously over the Rhineland industrial centers late into the night while newly freed citizens danced in the streets of every Dutch town right up to the very borders of Germany itself!

In a sign of the release of pent up frustration, citizen’s groups paraded collaborators through the streets and shaved their heads for the shame of their transgressions. Of note was the shaving of a bearded lady in Nijmegen with a “Redvo” tattoo under her blouse who was then thrown in the river!

Our hats are off to the brave men of the RAF that were regularly seen quite close in their Tempests, blasting ferociously at the retreating Wehrmacht armor formations as well as the brave lads in their Spitfires and Mustangs seen swirling above the fray weaving a tapestry of contrails and death for the Luftwaffe’s pall. We were treated on the last night of this stage of the war by a thundering formation of B-25s that roared into the distance and marked their passing with a fabulous fireworks display within the factories of the Rhineland!

From his headquarters safe in the rear, the CINC of this operation, Field Marshall CONAN issued a release that read, "This evening I am pleased to report that Allied Forces have swept the German menace from every village pub in Holland. Free beer for the Allies!!" The message was withdrawn after an hour of great consternation and protest from Heineken officials.

23. July 2008