TUSHKA

Despite appearances, I am not a begger, or vagabond, or gypsy. The gulag did not issue us new clothing when they volunteered us to serve as gunners, so I had to resort to "midnight requisition" to replace my gulag uniform, and I couldn't be choosy about sizes. As you can see, I am small, and the farmer who formerly wore these must have been half bear.

I have my papers here somewhere... ah, here we go. It is a cross-agency transfer order, transferring me from temporary duty with The Chief Directorate of Corrective Labor Camps and Colonies to temporary duty with The Workers' and Peasant's Air Fleet. Is there an officer here who can accept this transfer?

Oh, there is a clerk's error on the form where my age is given as 64. That idiot clerk transposed the digits. It should read 46. If I look older, it is only because the Siberian winter is harsh and the gulag steam bath was off limits to us "zekas".

Yes, I am a pilot - but from way back. I was once a member of the Imperial All Russia Flying Club. I'll tell you more about that some other time. I was stripped of my flying license when sentenced to the gulag, and my only experience is in aircraft that are totally obsolete these days, so don't expect me to actually fly these modern marvels that you have without extensive instruction. My preference? Something that flys low and slow. My eyesight is bad, my reactions are slow and my hands shake (side-effects of too many Siberian winters). Do you perhaps have any dirigibles? If not, any triplanes, or quadruplanes (when it comes to wings I always say "the more the merrier!"), or maybe flying boats?

I have experience in observation aircraft and in both tethered and free-flying balloons and, of course, I also have experience as a parachutist. My gulag experience may also be useful, as I learned to make good kvass from the stale black bread I could liberate from the guards' garbage dump. (Kvass is good for whatever ails you!)

I have been sent here as a gunner, and that is how I expect to serve the motherland. Rumor has it that this squad is so short of gunners that it has stooped to using dogs and even NKVD personnel in that role, so perhaps a half-blind palsied zeka gunner will be welcome.

All I need is a Kadet uniform (size small) and a razor (this beard is beginning to itch from the heat).

Then, before the quartermaster issues me a toothbrush and someone makes me get to work with it, I propose we retreat to the mess to toast the illustrious founder of the glorious Workers' and Peasants' Red Army and its Air Fleet. This round is on me.

Za Rodinu!

TUSHKA's Tales:

• Kadet Tushka's First Day in Training
• Kadet Tushka's First SEOW Debrief